Sunday, October 28, 2007
Two years gone
On the way home I realized that, over the course of the week, I'd actually been thinking about the accident a lot more than usual. On the brightside, I wasn't wasting time dwelling on whether I had tried to get out of the jeep, or if there was something I could have done to change the outcome. However, I must admit that I've wasted some time wishing that I had tossed my CD collection out of the jeep before it went up in flames. Aside from that small detail I wasn't really thinking about the accident istelf. I had allowed my mind to wander down a very different path that I generally try to stay away from.
I had been thinking about my life, and what it might be like now, had the accident not happened. I try not to think about this because it's really pointless. I've accepted my life as it is but, as the anniversary approached, without realizing it, I allowed my mind to go down this path. I found myself wondering about where I would be now if life had continued in the direction it was going before October 22nd of 2005.
My new job was going well. My General Managers plan was to work with me so that I could take over as GM when he moved on. As you know, he recently took a promotion. I'm glad that I didn't get the job, because it is extremely stressful and demands more time than I'm really able to give it. However, if I hadn't lost that year and a half of experience I would have been ready to step into the GM role without it requiring an adjustment to my life style.
I was looking for a house closer to Greencastle, where I work, that would have a lot of land, or maybe something rustic in the woods. I wouldn't have to worry about an hour drive to get to work or home. Now, with everything that I have to do in Indianapolis, it just doesn't make since for me to move. Unfortunately that leaves me stuck with the long drive twice a day.
I was single then, as I am now, but I was dating and had a much more active social life. Had the accident not happened, would I now be in a relationship? Possibly even working on a family?
How would I have spent my three weeks of vacation each year? Would I have gotten back to backpacking? Gone on more ski trips with my friends from college? I might have even had a chance to travel to Europe.
I don't let these thoughts get me down. It's not about slipping into depression. But there is a melancholy feeling that comes over me when I think of those two years gone. However, as I said, I have accepted my life as it is. My focus is still to move forward with my life day by day and not to spend it looking back. Though those two years are gone, I have many more to look forward to.
I think it's natural that you have those thoughts, and I understand how you don't like to let your mind wander down "what if" and "why me" lane. I have done that over the years with having Anna...but it never changes my, or her, situation....it just makes it harder to cope. There are still hard days....and there probably always will be, but it's all of the many, many days inbetween that inspire everyone! In those difficult times, though, let your close friends and family be just that.....the people who you can lean on to get you through. We are so blessed for having you in our lives!
Turn it around-what if all of those people hadn't been traveling on that road that night? What if they hadn't been able to track me down for consent for needed surgery? What if Anya and Steve hadn't been able to come stay with Madeline so that I could get to you? Life has a funny way of making the puzzle pieces fit-even if we aren't sure what the big picture is supposed to be.
I get myself in the doldrums sometimes-and that's OK, you can too. Just don't get stuck there! We are just glad that you're here. :)
Don't get me wrong, information is not the same as an accident by any means, but it still gave me a jolt to wonder: what would have happened if I had known this then?
Of course, looking at what I have now I would never go back and do it any differently. In fact, it's almost 100% certain I would not be where I am now if I'd had this bit of info.
There have been several "forks" in my life where I didn't really have a choice, but the path I thought I was on veered. The death of my father when I was 9, a divorce at 18, my sisters' death when she was only 21...things I never anticpated or welcomed.
Sometimes we are forced to shift our view of reality or lose our sanity. I shifted, you shifted...and we moved on with our new reality.
Personally,I think it's good to ponder every so often, gives me a nice appreciation for what I have received, instead of what I've given up.
I thought I would quote something from my blog that I just recently wrote, as it seems to fit the subject matter...
IF ONLY....If only I had more money....If only my lawn were as green as my neighbors...If only I had a better car....If only I had less work to do....If only...If only...If only. "If only" is a futile pursuit. Here is a quote from one of my many Zen teachers, the venerable Brad Warner: "In the truest sense none of your desires, no matter what they are, can ever be fulfilled because nothing will ever be *exactly* the way you imagine it to be. The trick here is to give up imagining how things are gonna be. Or, at the very least, to give up believing that the way you imagine things are going to be has anything to do with the way they really will be. It seems to me it's only when you give up wrong notions of what will or won't make you happy that you can really experience each moment as it is."..."All this *if only* gives everyone the perfect excuse to mope around and miss out on all the real joy your life is offering you right this minute."
You seem to have a lot on your plate right now; the talks you give, the people you visit, work, this blog, friends, family, etc. I know for a fact you have hundreds of people that care for you and are thinking of you often. To look backward? I don't see any reason for you to. You have a full life ahead of you. Live it, in every moment, because this moment is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never guaranteed. Now is all we have.
I can do all things through him that strengthen me....he who gives me the very breath I breathe every day. He who loves me for who I am and not what I want to be, he who gave his only begotten son so that I may live a life full of freedom and choices. He who allows me to love, laugh, cry and live!! What if I didn't answer that question right on the interview, I never would of met you....I am grateful for the blessings I have in my life and the ones I have yet to receive.
I love the "what-if" game..I play it everyday...and just like you, I don't let it get me down either. I love the "what-if" game because it gives me the perspective I need to go on each and every day.....
We are not promised a tomorrow and thankfully, I'm grateful for the idea because it gives me the excuses I need when I do something really stupid...I always tell them I won't do that tomorrow...ha,ha
LIVE YOUR LIFE HONEY, ENJOY IT, REACH OUT TOO IT, EMBRACE IT..
and by all means set your goals so high it becomes a challenge worth trying for..
I would like to say something long n meaningful like these other people have but I can't see thru my tears!!! U know from day 9 I have been one of your biggest cheerleaders despite not knowing you from a blade of grass. I, too, have tried vehemently not to allow my mind to wander down that path and have instead tried my best to soldier you on and push you forward. I've always treated you as though this pause in your life never happened and truly believe you can still do anything as normally as you would have 2 yrs ago! You can't dwell on it as 2 yrs gone. Many ppl have "lost" 2 yrs of their life going through traumatic experiences (myself included...) and you just have to come to terms w/ the fact you can't go back no matter how many times you turn around. (ok, that was long...I don't know how meaningful it was tho!)
2 years later and you are still my hero and my inspiration!!!!!
Seems to me that next week you should list a bunch of the CDs you wish you still had .. and see what comes of it! I bet there are plenty of friends who would love to share their tunes with you. Go for it!